With Dennis Rodman and LeBron James doing a better job of spreading American culture and playing the role of diplomat in countries where the good old red, white, and blue aren’t welcome, we think it might be time for Americans to elect athletes.
They might not all have Ivy league degrees, nor the cleanest rap sheets related to extra-marital affairs, but let’s not kid ourselves, many recent heads of state shouldn’t have been in charge of any national affairs at all. Some preach about the days when things used to be more wholesome, others are kings of spin and manipulating their own teams, and some are downright scoundrels.
They just might be able to settle global disputes the American way: on the
The All-Star White House Cabinet of Pro Athletes
Your party is only as good as your captain, or in this case, president of your team. No one in recent memory would be able to galvanize as much of the female vote as this candidate could, from New Hampshire to California…
President of the United States of America: Tom Brady
He may or may not be the greatest passer of his generation, but he definitely is the squeaky clean, All-American candidate everyone dreams of. Not only have his contributions to American culture included hosting Saturday Night Live and guest appearances on Family Guy, he’s also graced more magazine covers than most presidents would dream of. Sure he’s managed three Super Bowl titles, but he’s also locked down über-friendly relations with one of USA’s most important future allies, Brazil. He did it the old school way thanks to a Game of Thrones worthy union with their Princess and super model Gisele Bündchen.
Vice President: Derek Jeter
While President Tom Brady would be the star of this Camelot, Derek Jeter would be the knight everyone wishes they could be. From his 5 World Series Championships and God-like adoration in the most important city in the world, to his own stable of trophies of female accomplishes (which trumps Brady’s), Jeter is only limited by his own lack of commitment to anything other than baseball. Known as one of the greatest leaders and Yankees ever, he can step in at any sign of danger and put even James Bond to shame for his ability to seduce any world leader or evil-doer to the American way. Barring another comeback run by that kooky Brett Favre in 2016, Jeter is a lock to become both the Most Powerful Man in the World and the World’s Most Eligible Bachelor.
Secretary of Defence: Kobe Bryant
Brady and Jeter may have never lost in the court of public opinion but Kobe has never lost a war. His own ‘Black Mamba’ code name was earned while in covert ops in the Middle East between winning Olympic gold and an NBA Championship. His war cry is unrelenting and his thirst for battle is as insatiable as his desire to impose his will on the world. Secretary Bryant may not be the most liked member of the cabinet, but when push comes to shove, there’s no warrior you’d rather have on your side to perform an Arnold Schwarzenegger-esque recovery from a fatal injury to come back to save the day.
Secretary of State: Dennis Rodman
Who better to send into conflict than the original bad boy himself. ‘The Worm’ has thrown his hat into every ring possible and every lifestyle imaginable. He’s never ran from a war of words with any tyrants. You might know him as a rebounder, an aggressor, a celebrity boy-toy, an Oscar-worthy actor, but most of us in politics know him as one of the most cunningly confusing figures to have ever cross-dressed.
On the world stage we all watched as he successfully played diplomat with one of the hardest totalitarians to work with: Michael Jordan. His star is strong in today’s White House after his summits with North Korea’s Kim Jong-un lead to the re-unification of Korea in exchange for the heads of Trey Parker and Matt Stone, who had much angered the Kim family for their 2004 portrayal of Kim Jung-il.
Chief of Staff: Lance Armstrong
His own presidential hopes extinguished several years ago, Lance had to shift over to what he does best: back-room politicking, cover-ups and manipulation of the highest order. He somehow worked his magic and got the Massachusetts voters to forget that then candidate Tom Brady ditched once beloved sweetheart Bridget Moynahan—while she was pregnant. Opponents must keep an eye open for Lance coming from behind, he’s liable to use any means necessary to advance his own hopes of global domination.
Secretary of Treasury: Albert Pujols
Some in the media said President Brady was simply pandering to the Latino vote when he put forward Pujols’ name for the post, but it’s become very clear that ‘El Hombre’ is better served today wielding his big bat at deficits rather than in the batter’s box. After signing a $240 million deal, he’s become mighty familiar with counting dollar bills and finding creative ways to waste other people’s money. Once tapped to become the next Governor of Missouri, his ill-fated plan to become the next LeBron James backfired when he turned out to be the next Albert Haynesworth.
Secretary of Health & Human Services: Grant Hill
Widely regarded as one of the greatest achievements of modern medicine, Grant Hill put together a 19-year career that should have ended several times. His familiarity with the operating room and with disability insurance pitfalls in five states edged him past Ken Griffey Jr. for the post. Some speculate that Chief of Staff Lance Armstrong sabotaged Junior’s hopes because of “ideological differences” when it came to performance enhancement drugs. A true ambassador of the sport, Hill will use his charisma and iconic teammate abilities to push through a controversial plan for state-sponsored HGH breakfasts for teens in hopes of reversing an epidemic of children under 6 foot tall at the age of 13.
Secretary of Education: Jeremy Lin
One of President Brady’s most inspired picks was Lin. It galvanized the vote of all would-be stars glued to the end of the bench as well as the Asian vote in a single move. This Harvard-educated graduate makes it possible for anyone to dream that stardom and multi-million dollar contracts are one hot-streak away from happening. His first bill hopes to create early childhood programs aimed at reducing turnovers.
Attorney General: Alex Rodriguez
While it might not be apparent to many, Alex Rodriguez knows his way around a courtroom and is aware of all the loopholes criminals use to avoid prosecution and suspensions. This man’s years of lawyering up have paid off and his ego has finally become satisfied by being named to the top of all Federal court proceedings. And by the way ladies, he’s single and tossing out numbers tonight at the United States District Court for the Southern District of New York.
Secretary of Transportation: Floyd Mayweather Jr.
Working two days a year and earning tens of millions annually leaves plenty of time to pile up vehicles and traverse every part of the country. He owns more luxury cars than most people dream of seeing in a lifetime and he’s not too shy to give his opinion and put his money where his mouth is.’Pretty boy’ Floyd may be the first Secretary of Transportation that’s worth more than the bridges he traverses daily, and who is willing to fight state governments for the sake of drivers like you. When he’s not driving around, expect to see him on a private jet testing out airport security around the country.
Secretary of Veteran Affairs: Jason Kidd
Many critics undermined this pick saying that this post should be filled by long-time veterans, but this administration made a stance to ensure that the VA would be run by someone who’s new school in the ways of the old school retirees. He holds the admiration of current warriors, soon-to-be vets like Paul Pierce, and of the Hall of Fame class of veterans. Expect Secretary Kidd to aim to get new Veterans back to work faster than ever and find them posts immediately, even when they have limited experience in those jobs.
Secretary of Homeland Security: Von Miller
Don’t let his 18.5 sacks fool you, Von Miller wasn’t tapped by the Brady administration for his supreme defensive performances. He was picked because he can hide being a bad ass defender behind a gigantic smile. He intends to impose strict restrictions on anyone who forces it outside or holds onto it too long. Many thought his nomination was dead in the water given his marijuana suspension, but since Colorado’s vote to turn the Mile High city into the Really Mile High city, he’s become an icon for progressive agendas from coast-to-coast.
Well there we have it, a White House cabinet that will deliver results and great ratings. They might get caught sending dirty photos or swearing from time to time, but which politician wouldn’t? Put your hopes and dreams with this team and you’ll be rewarded. Sure the cabinet is sorely lacking female representatives, but so has every cabinet in history.
See you at the polls in 2016 in hopes of stopping the Manning brothers and their manning face campaign.
Until then, make your vote heard in the Top Bet Sportsbook with today’s big games. Remember to check out the full-sized White House of Pro Athletes Infographic here.
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